


In Your Head

by crystalkei



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 22:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2557823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An added bit to episode 2x02 from both Clarke and Bellamy's POVs.</p><p> </p><p>At least if Bellamy was dead, he’d gotten the chance to escape the internal lists. She knew he kept them, too. </p><p>But no, he was alive. She weeded that thought out, plucked it up, and pulled it to the front of her mind. He was alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Your Head

Maybe she was crazy.

Maybe she had grown too used to being in charge, taking command, to making the hard decisions. But this felt wrong. 

Then again, everyone else seemed fine. They all liked it. She could admit it that it felt a little paranoid to be worried about the food or the cushy mattresses, or god, the indoor plumbing. It was easy for Clarke to see why Monty or Jasper or even Miller wouldn’t want to leave the luxuries behind.

But she hated to think they were right about everyone else being dead. She didn’t even want to approach the thought. It popped into her mind at least once a day and she’d push it far down, down, and deep, where she kept her grief for her father, the love left for her mother. They couldn’t be dead. Finn, Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, those names didn’t get pushed down, they were filed off to the side, where she kept her to do list, next to “check corridor five for cameras” and “sweet talk someone in the kitchen to verify food sources for possibly contaminates.” 

Today though, after seeing the bullet or arrow wound, whatever it was, maybe she was crazy. She crumpled up her hand drawn map and threw it down. Maybe she was paranoid and maybe she should listen to everyone and just calm down and enjoy not having to take care and lead her friends. Maybe instead of “her people” they could go back to being her friends and she could go back to being a real girl, not a woman forced to keep them safe, making the hard decisions and worrying every moment of the day, keeping a mental tally of supplies, people, ammunition.  
  
At least if Bellamy was dead, he’d gotten the chance to escape the internal lists. She knew he kept them, too.  
  
But no, he was alive. She weeded that thought out, plucked it up, and pulled it to the front of her mind. He was alive.  
  
So he probably had the same type of list of names next to his to do list. His would be longer, 48 names long: Jasper, Monty, Miller, her name. What did his list have on it? Torture whatever Grounder he could get his hands on? Search the woods one square mile at a time? She smiled to herself at the idea that he’d be clawing his way closer to them, desperate to find them, to find her. No, that wasn’t right either. Finn would be doing that, right? 

It didn’t matter.  
  
She discarded that line of thought and instead looked around her. It was weird because this damp mountain facility felt a lot like the Ark. Not because she felt trapped, though that probably played a part, but it was a community of people with things to do. In space, everyone knew their job, their shift, it was a strictly closed system. Here was the same, she watched Maya pull herself away from Jasper and leave dinner for her clean up work, she saw a woman who had brought her clothes in the trunk stroking the pearls of an older woman, probably talking about the style of them, how they accentuated this or that. People had a part and they played it. On the Ark she would have played her mother’s part.  
  
Before being in detention, she’d started studying, apprenticing with her mom. That’s how she was able to keep anyone alive down here on the ground. Clarke remembered the first month had been long and hard and she was always reading to try and keep up. That thought jogged a memory, a face, Bellamy’s stupid face. The Ark wasn’t large and with the 3000 or so people, you saw people. You saw faces. You didn’t know them, but you recognized them, if you were talking to someone for the first time, it was likely you’d passed them in the corridors at some point. She smiled to herself.

   
  
_“You might want to watch where you’re going,” a voice said. She looked up just in time to bump into him, coming up against his chest, the armored jacket of the guard to cushion her. He tilted his head and looked down at her. “I warned you.” He smiled just a little. Now that she thought about it, he probably smiled thinking of his sister doing that type of thing._

 _“Sorry,” she mumbled, holding out her pad and looking up at him, “I was just studying. I should be watching where I’m going.” She blushed from embarrassment when she realized she was still standing toe to toe, still against his frame. Clarke quickly stepped to the side and brushed her hair out of her face, using her hand to hide her red cheeks. She started to walk away but he called out to her._  
  
_“It’s okay, kid, I’ve walked into a wall while reading. It happens.” He gave a full smile, she noticed his freckles even as she looked at him over her shoulder. Clarke took 10 steps and then ran towards Wells at the end of the corridor as he waved her over._  
  
  
Bellamy. She’d run into him and now he might be dead. He and Octavia, Finn and Raven. What a terrible time to have a memory like that surface.  
  
She was probably crazy. She should just give up and enjoy the pie.  
  
But then she saw it, or rather him, the soldier who’d been burned. He looked better. How? Bellamy had helped remind her of books and medical journals and that man shouldn’t be so healthy so quickly. She needed to know why and how…but without letting anyone in medical, she’d have to find a way. She ran a hand across her coral sweater, above her bandage.  
  
Dammit. This was gonna hurt.  
  
As she split the stitches, she tried to muffle the cry. Bellamy Blake might be dead but he was still helping her, although if he was alive, she’d have to punch him hard for this harebrained idea. This was all his fault.

 

Kane said he wasn’t trained.  
  
Bellamy scoffed to himself. Did he forget the time he spent on the guard? He was trained. That’s how he’d kept everyone alive down here. Thank god for that training. Janitor training was embarrassing but at least he’d had the limited guard training. Between that and Clarke’s medical training, they’d kept people from getting dead. Raven’s mechanical skills, Monty and Jasper, Miller, at least he still felt okay about handing Octavia over to Lincoln. He didn’t feel sick thinking what might have happened to her.  
  
That sick feeling in the pit of his stomach was reserved for Clarke, Miller, Monty, Jasper, and the rest of his people. He took a deep breath through his nose. At least there wasn’t bile this time. He’d tasted that when they were leaving the drop ship site. That message Dr. Griffin left caused his stomach to roll. Bellamy wasn’t sure if it was the sting of leaving their home or the concern and worry he saw in Dr. Griffin’s eyes. She was desperate. He’d seen that look in Clarke’s eyes.  
  
Jesus, his face hurt. It was probably one giant bruise. But he looked around anyways, trying to keep from getting too stiff from sitting in one position on the ground. To his right was Murphy, fucking Murphy, like the cat with nine lives, maybe 10 or 12 by this point. At least he’d shut his face and gone to sleep.

The cord his hands were bound with was solid, there was no way he’d get out of it without breaking his hand but he’d never done that before and with his face, the pain in his side from the beating the grounder gave him, and sheer exhaustion taking over, he decided it’d be better to just wait this out. 

  
Bellamy bowed his head and used his hands to rub the section of his forehead that didn’t feel like raw flesh trying to soothe himself. That info Kane had dropped on him about the barrels of guns and bullets they’d missed pulled at him. He should have tried harder, looked harder. He’d been so caught up in that shame of all he’d done. Then the hallucinations, Dax trying to kill him, trying to kill Clarke, and then finally the pardon from Jaha after Clarke had said all those things to him. About needing him, about working together and figuring things out and how he was forgiven. He still didn’t think he deserved it but he knew why she said them.  
  
He didn’t consider himself a master manipulator, but he was skilled enough to fight his way to the top often. But damn, Clarke was good. She knew just what to say to inspire.  
  
The penance though, he had to keep on working, keep on surviving, keep his running tally in his head to make sure that he could live up to what she needed. What everyone under his care needed. Bellamy had to protect them.  
  
But he didn’t.  
  
And he couldn’t right now and it was more painful than his face or the other various cataloged hurts on his body. He’d let them down, he’d let her down.  
  
He felt his body jerk, that feeling of just falling asleep and noticing it, but not being able to control it. Bellamy leaned his head back on the wall and surrendered to sleep.

 

 _“God, that looks terrible,” Clarke said from the med bay of the Ark. He shifted on the table in front of her leaning a little to the right to compensate for the pain in his left side. She lifted his shirt and grimaced. “You have got to stop doing what you’re doing.”_  
  
_“I’ll get right on that, princess,” he grumbled. “This is basically your fault anyways. You can’t just stay in one spot. You and Octavia, running off, making things difficult.”_  
  
_Clarke gave him a knowing look. “You don’t get to control where people go, you have to deal with the fact that people are autonomous and make their own choices. I’m not to blame and you’re not to blame. People do shit and you can’t stop it.”_

_Running his hand through his hair, he winced at the pain, uncaring that she saw that weakness. “I have to find everyone. The grounders took you guys and now your mom is flipping out, and Kane, oh my god,” he shook his head getting upset. “Clarke there were more bullets. I didn’t find them, I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t look hard enough.”_

_Clarke pressed a cloth to his cheek and started to wipe dirt away, it stung and smelled like hydrogen peroxide. She hardly concentrated on the task though and instead looked directly at him, those blue eyes, he wanted to look away. But she was holding his face. Dream!Clarke was harsh. “Stop.” She pushed some hair out of her way, as she cleaned. “We did the best we could. You did the best you could.” She put the cloth down and dipped it in the peroxide and brought it back to his face, this time his forehead and this time she was focused on the work. She smiled a little half smile and shook her head._  
  
_“It gets heavy, carrying all that guilt, it’s hard enough to carry the responsibility, but I thought I’d helped you shoulder some of that guilt, too.”_

 _H_ _e smiled back at her, giving a small laugh and covering the hand on his cheek that wasn’t cleaning. Bellamy swallowed._  
  
_“Thank you for saying those things, that night, you didn’t have to and you didn’t mean them, but thank you.”_

_Clarke looked at him skeptically._

_“I definitely had to say them to get you back to camp. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean them. I meant every word. You’d proven yourself more than worthy.” She cocked her head to the side to get even with his own head tilt from his position. “You deserved it and I thought you’d know I wasn’t lying when I held your hand while we rested. That was me showing you.”_

_Bellamy bit back a smile._

_"I thought that was to keep me from running.”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes._  
  
_“See what you want in that gesture, maybe it didn’t even happen. You are dreaming and I’m not real.” Bellamy’s smile fell into a scowl. “But that doesn’t mean that real Clarke wouldn’t say these things to you. She’d also tell you to bide your time and then get your ass out to find everyone. We need you still.”_  
  
  
Someone was coming. Bellamy opened his eyes as the door moved. He was never so happy to see Finn and get the hell out of there. Time to be a badass.  
  
Time to get everyone back.


End file.
